De tout ce qui va suivre personne n’a rien su, et ceux qui me voyaient chaque jour, pas plus que les autres ; ils étaient, par rapport à moi, comme le lit sur lequel je dors et qui ne sait rien de mes songes. Et d’ailleurs, le cœur de l’homme n’est-il pas une énorme solitude où nul ne pénètre ? les passions qui y viennent sont comme les voyageurs dans le désert du Sahara, elles y meurent étouffées, et leurs cris ne sont point entendus au-delà. – Gustave Flaubert, « Novembre »
November. Muted, subdued colors. Specks of dust. Majestic fog. Dreary grayness. Brittling cold. Winter anxieties. Two all-black outfits: 1. Fall uniform of skinny jeans, oversized cardigan and my beloved Marc by Marc Jacobs boots. 2. Veiled hat, velvet dress, high heels, long gloves, a string of pearls wrapped around my wrist. January and February deadlines to determine the course of my future. I have not been avoiding verbs out of pure coincidence … My list of favorite things makes me sad, but at least I have missions to complete.
I'm at a strange point in my life where I don't think it's worth emotionally investing myself into anything [in Ljubljana] because I might be gone relatively soon, and then if I get attached it'll hurt too much. It always hurts.
November 19, 2011 at 12:40 PM
where can we see your list? I love lists...
November 19, 2011 at 7:07 PM
Well. The thing is, I had trouble setting one up to begin with (like you, I'm crazy about lists and always want to put everything in that form) because I couldn't remember anything I liked that wasn't too broad of a subject, i.e. fashion, literature ... Lists need to be specific, and it looked as if my life was completely devoid of fulfilling things. When I tried to be specific, I came up with a short list that included: late evenings and nights (as much as I enjoy the quietness and atmosphere, I'm never accompanied by very happy thoughts), sushi (depressing because the best sushi is far away in NYC), unrequited love (my usual modus operandi and I suppose I can only explain its place on this list by a certain penchant for masochism), sea (a week before the first Emporio Armani show I went to last February I was at the seaside, totally overwhelmed by how attending the show would be a milestone for my fashion blogger career, and I went down to the beach and stayed for an hour just gazing into the distance and sea. It totally calmed me down -- months later, the sea no longer has this effect on me), etc. (there are more things. But I've rambled enough!)
I'm at a strange point in my life where I don't think it's worth investing myself (emotionally-wise) into anything [in Ljubljana] because I might be gone relatively soon, and then if I get attached it'll hurt too much. It always hurts.
Obviously, the best and the most fulfilling things in my life aren't things but people and the moments I share with them. Three of my best friends (and I'm not one to have many friends) have left for more exciting places this fall - OK, two of them are coming back next semester, but this current semi-isolation is enough to make me feel a little uprooted.
November 19, 2011 at 7:19 PM
thank you for replying in so much detail.
Getting attached hurts, but you know what they say, "better to have loved and lost than never loved at all"
there is great sushi in Paris (really!) and other places that are closer than NYC (though my favourite sushi was Sushi Ota in San Diego, until I recently had some in Vail, Colorado) - and I guess I never really had sushi in a great place in NYC.
just live in the moment, even if it means getting hurt (even though us list people are not really good at that, we analyse things too much, right?)
hugs from Africa
November 20, 2011 at 7:48 PM
November in Ljubljana = :(
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November 20, 2011 at 8:07 PM
November is the month for wishlists! Mine is in progress, one item at time..